#75

A few years ago, when I was having lunch with my best friend, Bess, the waiter kept say "you guys" to us. Bess told the waiter we were definitely not "guys" and asked him if he wanted to know why. He replied in the affirmative and she, pointed to her buxom bosom and said, "because we have THESE!"

The waiter's eyes widened and he said, "Oh, yes, I see. I'm sorry. How may I help you ladies?"

Since then, I've been on a campaign to check folks who refer to ladies as "guys". It is ingrained into the vernacular of the society in the U.S. and abroad. Amazingly, every restaurant staffer seems to think it is appropriate to call females "guys". Being the Diva that I AM, I do not see the term as appropriate and I continue to check people when they refer to any group I am with, male and female, as "guys".

If I am in a mixed-gender group at an event, immediately, I speak up and say, pointing to the males, "they are guys, but I AM NOT a guy."

Of course, this causes even the people in my group to raise an eyebrow. I don't care. I have a right to choose how I allow others to address me. Just like no woman would allow anyone to address her as "Mr." she should not allow anyone to refer to her as a "guy".

In her book, POWER AND WISDOM: THE NEW PATH FOR WOMEN, Dr. Priscilla V. Marotta states:

Neuter

The feminist movement mobilized to dispel limiting stereotypes of women and expand their behavioral repertoire. Gender-neutral terminology replaced weighted words that were reinforcing limitations on women. These and other gender-neutral actions gave rise to a concept of unisex. At times, the concept leans toward neuter (neither female and male) and at times toward androgyny (combined female and male), but the basis is a description of human behavior that is neither female and male. The term androgyny emerged as a common term in the psychological literature in the seventies. The androgynous term was defined as a balance of feminine and masculine behaviors. Unfortunately, the attempt to expand the behavioral repertoire of both women and men minimizes gender differences. Not only were gender differences minimized, the distortion that feminism neutered human beings became a negative perception.

At the beginning of the Second Wave [of the Feminist Movement], also known as contemporary feminism, women were rebelling against being viewed as the inferior sex, the second sex, the deficient sex, and the "less than" sex. As women advocated for parity, the emphasis was placed on ability to develop talents, equal intellectual potential, and equal ability to speak-up and speak-out, among other behaviors. The focus was on women moving from an inferior position to a position of equalized power with men.

However, the androgynous perspective became distorted to a belief that feminism meant that women and men were alike in all dimensions. This myth further expands the erroneous belief that, feminists, want to create a unisex society. Such a perception would ignore the fascinating differences between women and men. Once again, the myths and distortions do not reflect research. . . .women have unique ways of knowing. Women and men have differences in their language patterns,. . .the way they access information,. . .their competitive patterns, and. . .emphasis on relationships. The list of the differences between women and men is extensive. [pp. 168-169]

Now, Bess thinks I'm being too aggressive with this campaign. She was simply being coy and cute, when she started telling folks not to call her a guy because she has "THESE!"

But, I'm convinced that I have to continue to educate men and women about their choices in addressing each other. This younger generation of women use the term even more than the males. They are constantly referring to each other as guys. To me, it is nauseating. Oprah even does it! It needs to STOP and I'm on a journey to convince people to STOP IT!

Over a decade ago, my spiritual teacher, David told me that I needed to get over my gender issues, which, I admit, I do have. Why? As the founder of WOMEN IN JAZZ SOUTH FLORIDA, INC., I am well aware of the marginalization of women in the music industry. It's all about sex appeal, not musicianship or talent. Too many female musicians have been omitted from roles of "Jazz Giants" because of gender discrimination.

The other problem is the increase or coming out of male-on-male romance. Lesbians try hard to act like males, which reinforces the "guys" syndrome. But, I am a heterosexual woman who doesn't relish being called a "guy" and I'm sticking to my point.

If you think men are equal to women, read the next column. This is an email I received, today, July 3, 2008, from a dear male friend and musical colleague.

I will let you be the judge. -- DIVA JC

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks

• Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes
• There is no fast food
• Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, and complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of 'pretend' bills with not enough money
• In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week
• Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time--no emailing
• Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment
• He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care
• He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function
• Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times
• The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done
• The men must shave their legs wear makeup daily adorn himself with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes and eyebrows groomed
• During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties
• They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting
• They will need to read a book to the kids each night and in the morning, feed them dress them brush their teeth comb their hair by 7:00 am
• A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name. Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up
• The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only if he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice
• If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years eventually earning the right To be called Mother!

See our current newsletter on EXPATRIATE MUSICWOMEN who forfeited secure careers to stay true to their values of personal and political freedom.

COURT CASE #69

July 3, 2008

CORRECTION: I didn't put yo ass on the Internet!

jc

• http://globalfatherhooddialogue.blogspot.com

• http://buildingabridgetothefuture.blogspot.com

Joan,

Good Evening! How are you? Thanks so much for thinking of me! I got a chuckle out of the article which noted that women are often referred to as "guys". I love the response that your best friend Bess gave to the waiter!!!! This sort of things goes on a lot in Corporate America. Caucasian men are guilty of addressing folks -- as "guys" --- whether they are male or female. I witnessed an incident where a lawyer (Caucasian) addressed a group of women who were secretaries as "guys" in his office. He looked them squarely in the eye, and said, "Okay guys ....". After he completed his sentence/talk, one of the women looked at him and said: "Bob, do we look like guys to you?"

While I am not a feminist, I like you, expect to be treated with respect. And as for sexism and gender issues, they do exist. There are times when I am working with men in business matters I feel that if I were a man, there would be a totally different conversation!!!! Many men do not take women seriously. Well, maybe I shouldn't say many. But there are men out in the world who do not take women seriously. And yet, on the flip side, there are men out in the world who do take women seriously and who treat women as equal partners. I was mentored by one, fell in love with one and spent most of my adult life with one until his death 9 years ago!.

And thank you so much for the valuable work that you are doing through WOMEN IN JAZZ SOUTH FLORIDA, INC. You are doing great work in keeping our art form and gift to the world alive. It pains me to no end that we have at least 1-2 generations of African Americans (the teens, 20-somethings and 30-somethings) who have no clue about who Louis Armstrong, Ella Fitzgerald, Sarah Vaughn, Carmen McRae, Max Roach, Stanley Turrentine, Count Basie, Duke Ellington, Joe Williams, the Modern Jazz Quartet, Bessie Smith, Billie Holliday, Lionel Hampton, and you are and their contributions to music and to the world!

And I loved the "Next Survivors Series" article! That was too funny! On a serious note, I loved what you had to say about your Dad. Yes, his dominant presence in your life as you made the journey from childhood to womanhood is the reason why you are such a strong, well-adjusted, no-nonsense, "step out on faith" woman! And thank you so much for adding the address of the blogs for IN SEARCH OF FATHERHOOD(R) and CHILDREN'S CORNER.

You are a phenomenal woman. I admire your strength, your talents, your creativity and your courage. I know that your journey has not been easy. Thanks again for getting in touch with me. >Have a wonderful Holiday Weekend!

All the best,

Diane A. Sears

www.bsi-international.com